Last week we talked about how language creates all the meaning in your client’s life…
…and how those meanings dictate their emotions, actions, and results.
If your client wants to change their life…
…that change starts with their language.
Your client’s language falls across two simple ‘spectrums’:
- Disempowering / Empowering (Negative / Positive)
- Fantasy / Reality (Truth / Lie)
If your client’s language is disempowering, it’ll cause major limitations…
…while if your client’s language is empowering, that’s probably going to help them emotionally…
…empower their actions, and, ultimately, their results.
If your client’s language is full of lies and fantasies, they’ll be out of sync with reality…
…while, if their language is true and authentic, that’ll bring them more in sync with reality.
If you were to assign BOTH these attributes to your client’s language…
…all that language would fall somewhere between four extremes:
- Disempowering fantasy
- Empowering fantasy
- Disempowering reality
- Empowering reality
Each ‘language quadrant’ has very different attributes and very different consequences.
Have you coached a client who speaks disempowering lies?
That puts their language in the lower left quadrant…
The ‘Downward Spiral’
…because this language takes your client in a downward spiral of destruction.
Downward Spiral quadrant language is hurtful and hopeless.
Have you ever heard a vengeful 5 year old attacking their mother with nasty lies?
That’s language from the Downward Spiral quadrant.
Downward Spiral quadrant language is hurtful and hopeless.”
Have you ever listened to a distressed / miserable friend, beating themselves up with self-talk?
That’s language from the Downward Spiral quadrant.
Have you ever been put off by someone in a Downward Spiral?
Imagine a client talking like that.
Most coaches want to switch to a different client.
You shouldn’t think that way.
It’s just language.
You don’t need to switch to a new client.
Instead, shift the client’s language.
By the way, Downward Spiral language is so ugly…
…that your client may not share it in their sessions.
However, if the emotions of the Downward Spiral quadrant are present for them…
…there’s probably some ‘silent language’ from this quadrant…
…hurting your client from the inside-out.
So, ask your client “What might you be saying to yourself that makes you feel that way?”
Pull that hidden language out of them to uncover what’s at the source of their suffering.
How do you shift that language?
I’ll get to that in a second. Don’t get ahead of me!
Have you coached a client who speaks empowering truth?
That client’s language belongs in the upper right quadrant, called…
‘Generative’ Language
…because it ‘generates’ better and better realities.
Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech was GENERATIVE language.
John F. Kennedy’s inaugural “Ask not what your country can do for you.” speech was GENERATIVE language…
…and later, he inspired us to put a man on the moon with generative language.
The Declaration of Independence is generative language.
Generative language is authentic and empowering.
Generative language leads humanity forward, always finding deeper connections to what matters most.
Generative language is:
- Purposeful
- Proactive
- Optimistic
- Visionary
- Courageous
- Open
- Productive
Ideally, you’ll guide your client towards the Generative language quadrant.
The more Generative language your client uses, the more they’ll access transformation wherever they want.
Generative language is authentic and empowering.
These two quadrants ‘Downward Spiral’ and ‘Generative’ are extreme opposites.
One creates.
The other destroys.
One is conscious and awake.
The other is unconscious and reactionary.
But there are two other quadrants that are a bit more nuanced…
…so let’s fill in the cracks.
Have you coached a client who’s language seems empowering, but it’s filled with fantasy?
That puts their language in the upper left quadrant, called…
‘Hype’
…because it ‘hypes’ you up, but isn’t real.
Hype language is full of
- Hope
- Faith
- Possibility
- Grandeur
It’s idealistic, rose-colored, utopian, starry-eyed, and fanciful.
But, ultimately, language from the Hype quadrant turns out to be a…
- Mirage
- Delusion
- Foolish Misadventure
- Pipe-dream
When your client uses Hype language…
…it’s positive, but usually it’s a lot of hot air.
When your client uses Hype language…it’s positive, but usually it’s a lot of hot air.“
Hype language doesn’t usually help your client that much, because it’s not grounded in truth.
Daydreams are enjoyable but they don’t really do anything.
Maybe your client lies to themselves, acting like things are great when they really aren’t.
Or, perhaps your client is making up a hopeful future that will never come true.
Think of Hype as wishful language, rather than productive language.
Why would your client use language like this?
It feels good.
Hype language is
- Hedonistic
- Pollyanna
- Narcissistic / Megalomaniacal
- Manic
Pleasure seeking clients will usually indulge in Hype Quadrant language…
…but never really get anywhere…
…because they won’t deal with reality.
That said, I’d much rather coach a client caught up in Hype, than a Downward Spiral…
…because Hype can open doors to positive ideas and feelings.
Hype language IS initially empowering…
…because it creates ENERGY…
…which causes MOVEMENT.
But Hype based movement is less likely to create real PROGRESS.
You can move in a circle…
…and still go nowhere.
Finally, have you coached a client who’s language seems accurate, but negative?
That puts their language in the lower right quadrant…
The Language of ‘Resignation’…
…is accurate, but forfeits all power to make progress.
This language is versed in truth, but doesn’t empower your client.
A Client in the Resignation quadrant is like a human computer:
No positive feelings or intentions, but they are factually correct.
Resigned language is
- Skeptical
- Detached
- Cynical…
…which might cause your client to feel detached from their LIFE.
At best, a client caught up in Resigned language is stoic.
A stone person that won’t progress…
won’t grow…
…and won’t connect to the rest of the world.
Resigned clients won’t try anything new, because they don’t speak from an empowering context.
These clients are stuck.
Emotionally, they’ll avoid pain, but miss out on any positive emotions as well.
Numb.
Have you ever coached a client that seems to know everything, and yet experiences nothing?
They’re usually not very inspiring.
It’s easy to feel suppressed / suffocated in the presence of a client run by Resigned language.
But, remember…
It’s just LANGUAGE.
Language can CHANGE.
Now that you’ve identified the quadrant your client’s language is centered in…
…and you understand the consequences of that type of language…
…what do you do about it?
Simple.
Coach your client to shift their language towards the Generative quadrant.
If 100% of your clients were using nothing but Generative language…
…they would be exploding with possibilities, and building new realities in no time.
The Generative quadrant is the most productive possible space for your client to be.
Generative language is the ideal combination of authenticity and an empowering perspective.
Generative language is the ideal combination of authenticity and an empowering perspective.“
Generative language cultivates patience and courage to move forward in the face of challenges.
How do you artfully Coach your client to shift their language in the direction of the Generative quadrant?
Whichever quadrant your client’s language currently lands upon…
…shift that language UP and TO THE RIGHT.
So let’s start with your clients whose language is in the bottom two quadrants (Downward Spiral and Resignation).
Shift that language up to the top quadrants…
…from negative and disempowering to positive and empowering.
For example, if you’re coaching a mother who is having trouble with her son, and she says…
“I’m a terrible mother.”
“I’m the worst mother ever.”
That sounds like she’s in the Downward Spiral quadrant, doesn’t it?
What might you say to shift her language up to one of the top quadrants?
Try… “That’s a pretty disempowering perspective.”
“Is that helpful to you?“
“What would be a more empowering way to talk about that?”
At a minimum, your client will shift to Hype, or potentially her language might move to Generative.
She’s probably not going to allow her language to dwell in the Downward Spiral after your gentle challenge.
Imagine your client is in the Resignation quadrant instead.
Perhaps she says, “I really don’t know anything about being a mother.”
“It seems like I make lots of mistakes with my son.”
You can use the same coaching to move her language up to the top quadrants.
What if your client’s language is in the two left side quadrants (Hype or Downward Spiral)?
Shift that language over to the right quadrants…
…from fantasy and lies to reality and authenticity.
For example, your client says, “I’m the greatest mom who ever lived!”
Clearly in the Hype quadrant.
Perhaps she’s just trying to be positive.
Perhaps she’s lying to herself to make herself feel better.
Regardless, what might you say to help identify that?
What could you say to help her shift towards reality and authenticity?
Try… “Is that really true?”
“Can you possibly know that?”
“What’s really true?”
“What are the facts?”
Notice those questions are gently provoking exploration and a shift towards reality.
Now let’s go back to that Downward Spiral quadrant example, when your client says…
“I’m a terrible mother.”
“I’m the worst mother ever.”
Sometimes, your client won’t be willing to shift their disempowering language to be more empowering.
In that case, your only option is to shift the language towards REALITY… to the right side quadrants.
Those same questions can nudge even the most disempowered client towards reality.
But don’t be surprised if a client doesn’t immediately leap to Generative Language the first moment you use this gentle coaching.
Why not?
Because your client’s lousy language quality has an impact on their:
When your client’s emotions are down…
…they aren’t going to FEEL like using Generative language.
When your client’s actions aren’t empowering…
…then empowering language right off the bat might seem a bit out of place (not to mention that it might not be authentic for them).
If your client’s results are lousy…
…Generative language might not make much sense, as your client is focused on all the horrible results around them.
Ultimately, your client has to choose to embrace your invitation to shift and improve their language.
Not every client will follow your lead.
Some clients will continue to indulge in a Downward Spiral.
Some clients will stay in a daydream.
If they do, change your approach from gentle questions to more direct language.
What’s more, sometimes your client’s language is a sign of something deeper…
…some issue that you’ll need to discover.
Finding that issue reveals what’s really at the root of your client’s language.
But sometimes the most disempowering language is just its own independent pattern…
…not a sign of some deep-seated wound.
Maybe your client fell into adopting disempowering language from a friend or family member.
Maybe their language is all they need to change.
In that case…
Transform the language and you transform your client’s life…
…in these 3 simple steps:
- Figure out where your client’s language lies (in the four language quadrants).
- Use the questions and coaching to shift your client’s language to a better quadrant.
- Coach them through the process of revising their language.
Can you imagine the future that transforming your client’s language can cause?
New language could be a real victory for your client.
New language could be a real victory for your client.”
Guide your client’s language.
Inspire your client by the future this new language makes possible.
Then you’ve done your job as a coach.
It ain’t rocket science.
This is the bread and butter of Coaching.
The meat and potatoes.
To use less than empowering, or less than realistic language is HUMAN.
You’ll never run out of clients that need consistent coaching to shift their language.
Anywhere your client is disempowered in their life…
…they likely are using disempowering language.
Anywhere your client is delusional in their life…
…they are likely using delusional language.
LANGUAGE is where the change starts.
Plan the change by shifting language.
Open the door to possibility using these shifts in language.
Then unleash your clients imagination, to empower them for the greatest possible future…
…a future that expresses that new language they’ve created.
Your client is not going to get that kind of support from their family.
They’re not getting help like that from their friends.
They’re only gonna get that transformation from you.
Step up to the plate.
You’re the one.
Jeffrey “Love Better Language” Sooey
